Monday, June 7, 2010

A conversation between "Me" and "Myself"! (**My Mid-2010 Resolutions**)


Several months ago, I started thinking about death more than anything else… But this time, on a more "serious" level… The trigger for this thought was the death of a person I have never met in my whole life, named "Omar Salah"…


After his death, I started to know more about him and about how he used to live his life… I also started to witness the love and respect that his friends had for him… I witnessed how people, who had never known him before, were talking about him and about his deeds and actions all the time… I couldn't see anything in all of this except that this was surely due to Allah's love for him! Anyone who heard about him, loved him right away, and that was definitely because of Allah's love to him!


I can't deny that at some point, I started to envy him and I started to think about how I would be remembered when I leave this world.


During my previous years, I've been always certain that death is gonna come one day, whether I want it to, or not… However, I realized I was always thinking that it was going to be a somewhat tough experience, and that although I really wanted to meet Allah, I still thought I was not ready.


However, recently, I started thinking in a bit of a different way. I started seeing things in a new light. I started to think that I'm probably gonna have to leave this life soon… And that's when an inner conversation, between myself and I, started in my head…


--Me : Am I ready? What have I done until now, to be ready to meet Allah?!!

I paused for a while...

**Myself : No… You're definitely not…

--Me : Will I ever be?!

I started to compare Allah's blessings and Mercy to the actions and deeds that I've done all through my life…

I paused, but for a longer while this time…

**Myself : You'll probably never be ready!

--Me : But I love Allah… He knows I love him although I admit the fact that I do a lot of wrong things.

**Myself : Don't lie to yourself, you take His Mercy for granted! You don't truly love Him, do you?...

--Me : Why do you say that?!

**Myself : Well… When someone "truly" loves someone else, they try to do whatever this person likes and refrain from doing whatever this person doesn't like… Right?

--Me : Yes… And that's…

** Myself interrupted: …That's what?!! Don't say that's what you do, because you'd be definitely lying...

--Me : ………

**Myself : Tell me… When you love someone… Wouldn't you be looking forward to meet him whenever he's free?? Wouldn't you wanna talk to him all day?! …Wouldn't you have him on your mind every single minute of every single day?!... Wouldn't you wait for his calls and text messages?! … Wouldn't you keep on talking about him with your friends and family all the time!?!.. Huh?...

--Me : Ummm… I guess so…

**Myself : Well, believe it or not… You don't do any of that!

--Me : What?!!!! How's that?!!...

**Myslef : Well… When the "azaan" is raised, that's when Allah is calling you to come and meet Him… You know what you usually do?!... You usually have something else to do, so you keep on procrastinating performing the prayer, and you sometimes even forget to pray, until it's time for the next prayer.

--Me : ………..

**Myself : Allah's messages and calls come to you through the Qura'an. Tell me, when was the last time you opened the "Mus-haf" and started to read randomly in that Holy book.

--Me : Ummm…. Well…

**Myself : See?! That's EXACTLY what I mean! You can't even remember!!! What happened to the "werd" of Quraan you used to read daily?!

--Me : ……….

**Myself : And if you think that you have Allah on your mind all the time, tell me, when you start your day, and get off to your job, do you always remember to renew your "neyya"??... Do you remember to think about Allah when you're at work?! To link what you do, to something that would please Allah?..

--Me : Well, yes, I remember to do that!! See, I told you… I do love Allah, and I remember Him through my days…

**Myself : Oh yeah!? … How often do you remember to do that?!... Once a week?! Or maybe once every month?!! Wow! That means you REALLY love Him, and always have Him on your mind!!

--Me : …………

**Myself : Tell me… How often do you talk about Allah with your friends and family?!

--Me : Well, you won't be able to win this one! I talk about Allah A LOT with everyone around me! You can even ask my friends, colleagues and family members!

**Myself : Really?! Do you talk about Him "more than" you talk about other people, and other problems that you have??...

--Me : ………….

**Myself : If you really love someone, you would always be happy and grateful for whatever this person gives you, and always try to make it better and better.

--Me : Yes, I'm always grateful for what He gives me! And I always remember to thank Him for all the good things He sends into my life…

**Myself : You do?!... Then why do I hear you whining a lot about things that take place in your life… Why do I see you unhappy about the country that Allah has chosen for you to live in?... Why don't I see you exerting enough effort to change this country… You only talk… But you don't take actions anymore, do you?! :S

--Me : ………….

**Myself : How many times a day do you thank Allah for giving you two eyes?!... For giving you a brain?!!... For giving you two eyes and two arms?!...

--Me : ……….

**Myself : You sometimes even forget to thank Him for such amazing blessings for weeks, months, and even years!!

--Me : ……….

**Myself : When you love someone, you stop doing what He doesn't like you to do… Can you tell me about one day –only one day- when you didn't disobey Allah??... One day in which you didn't talk about someone in a bad way, when they weren't there?... One day in which you didn't listen to someone making fun of someone else, and not stopping them –or listening to any other 'Haram' stuff of any kind-?... One day when you weren't rude to your parents –even between you and yourself, maybe thinking that they're too old to understand your genius mind!- ?... One day in which you didn't cheat someone else –however small or trivial-?... One day in which you stopped judging other people and believing that you're better than them?... Those are the least to say!..

--Me : ………………

**Myself : So, do you still think that you love Allah?!... Think again…


That was when I had to stop, and reshape my life! I started to think about what would happen if today was my last day on Earth… And I kept thinking… I won't be able to tell Him that I really love Him… I wouldn't be able to ask for His mercy and forgiveness, because I would be ashamed of the way I used to live… I might be even sent to Hell… And I might be destined to stay there eternally!!..


--Me : But wait a minute… I'm still alive, right?!

**Myself : Yes!

-- Me : Then I can still change myself… I can still change the way I live… I can change my relationship with Allah… I can show Allah that I really love Him… Not through words… But through actions…

**Myself : Okay… So what is your plan?!

-- Me : Hmmm… Let me think….

**Myself : ......

--Me : First of all, I have to know that whatever good deeds I do, I will never enter paradise according to what I did… If I enter Paradise, it will only be because of Allah's Mercy, nothing more… Whatever I do, nothing will be equal to Allah's blessings in my life! Nothing!

**Myself : I agree… What else?

--Me : Okay… Since the thought of death was what made me wake up and decide to change, then I have to keep it in my mind all the time… I remember when I used to hear the prayer of ذكرنا بالموت كل ساعة" " during Mustafa Hosni's lesson.. I used to say "امين" without actually feeling how it would be useful!... But now I see it clearly!

**Myself : And how will you do that?!...

--Me : Well… Here's what I thought I'd do… But promise me that you won't laugh! :)

**Myself : LoL..!! :) Okay I promise I'll TRY not to! :)

--Me : okay… Good enough… Well… I've always been wishing to die as a martyr… I wanna meet Allah and tell him that I sacrificed my life for Him and for Islam… I want to help solve the Palestinian problem, and be among the reasons of freeing the Aqsa Mosque… I want the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) to be proud of me as well… So I've been wishing for a very long time that this would happen, and whenever I told someone about it, they used to make fun of me…

**Myself : Yes, I know… I'm yourself… remember?!! :)

--Me : LoL!! Yeah right…! :) But you know what?.. I've been wishing for something new recently, I think you're still not aware of…

**Myself : And what's that?!...

--Me : Well… It's all built upon the idea of "visualizing" mixed with some stories about Prophet Muhammad's companions… I remember hearing some stories of how those companions asked Allah to make them die as martyrs, telling Him about the exact way they wanna die in the battle field… And how after their death, their friends would be astonished to see that they've died the same exact way they asked Allah to die in!!

**Myself : I see… And how does that apply to you?

--Me : Okay, I decided to ask Allah for a certain way to die in… And a specific day of the week (day, not date)… I decided to pray to Allah that He would end my life on a Thursday. I wanna die while fasting, in a certain way of his planning, that would make me die as a martyr… And I decided that I will have faith in this dream more than anything else in the whole world! This is exactly what deserves my "YaQeen"!

**Myself : WoW! I'm touched!

--Me : I'm not done yet…

**Myself : You're not?...

--Me : Ever since I started believing in this, I found that my way of thinking and acting has shifted greatly!

**Myself : And how's that?!

--Me : Every week, I start to think that this is my last week on Earth… So I try as much as I can to make it "THE BEST" week… I try!... And every day through that week, I feel I'm one day closer to death!... And just the thought of this, makes me shiver, and try my best to do everything in the right way…

**Myself : ……………

--Me : … And every Thursday morning, I think… "Hmmm… Maybe today' s the last day! And the coming hours are my last hours… So how can I make it the best day?!"… And when I finally hear "El Maghreb" prayer on Thursday, and start to break my fast, that's when I feel blessed the most! I feel that Allah has just given me a chance to live an extra week! AN EXTRA WEEK! He has permitted me to take an extra week worth of "hasanaat"… So I have to use it wisely!! VERY wisely!

**Myself : And how did you decide to use it wisely?

--Me : Well… I decided to improve my relationship with Allah first… Whenever I hear the call for a prayer, I feel as if Allah is calling me… ONLY ME… Not anyone else… He wants to meet me, and is giving me the chance to talk to Him about whatever I wanna talk about!! Are there any kings in this whole world who can offer me these same benefits?!!! None!

**Myself : Okay… That's great! What else?...

--Me : I also started to monitor myself more closely… Places I go to, people I meet, and things I do… I started to focus on renewing my intentions ("Neyya") whenever I do anything… If I'm going to attend this certain course for example, how will it be linked in a direct or indirect way to something that would strengthen my relationship with Allah, and win me hundreds of "hasanaat"?!...

**Myself : And how is that?! There are things you do that you cannot take a "neyya" in… You just do them!...

--Me : I quite disagree with that opinion of yours… And I'll give you examples if you want too… When I'm going out on this specific outing to meet my friends , when I'm buying a certain present for a friend, when I make my mom's day with a bouquet of flowers, when I visit my grandparents every week, when I let a car get past me then get in front of me in the same lane, when I go out for a walk alone, when I study a new language, when I call or SMS a friend to tell them how much I love them, when I plan for a surprise party for a friend of mine, and even when I eat… When doing all of those things, I can think of more than one "neyya", so I'd be doing something I like, having fun, and at the same time taking lots of thawaab because I remembered Allah while doing them! :) Taking thawaab doesn't always have to include hard work and incredible efforts! :)

**Myself : Yeah, I see what you mean…

--Me : I also decided not to regret doing anything that I've done in the past. I've learnt a lot from every mistake, and if it wasn't for my good, Allah would've never put me into all of those tough experiences… So, instead, I should be happy and proud of the lessons I've learnt and the experiences I have :) I will always be convinced that anything happening in my life is a sign from Allah, pointing me to the right direction, in the strangest ways possible! Nothing happens by mistake, or hasn't been planned for by Allah before taking place… So everything being said to me, anything I see, hear, feel, or even become part of, any new creative ideas I get, any person I meet, any place I visit, anything I study, and even anything I decide to say or do, ANYTHING at all, is part of the grand plan that Allah has previously put for my own life! So I'll always look closely, and try to see Allah's wisdom in all His actions throughout my life… And I will let myself be amazed at how the weirdest most depressing events were the reasons for the best events ever in my life! I truly believe that!

**Myself : That's true! Very true! I'm speechless!

-- Me : I've also decided to follow my dreams however crazy they are! As long as I have good intentions and a good aim in mind, then I have to work hard to make that dream come true, even if it would take me a very long time!!

**Myself : That's great! But not all dreams come true, you know… Sometimes you keep wishing and dreaming, and nothing happens!

--Me : Well, yes, you're right… I sometimes keep wishing for things to happen so hard, that I totally forget about all the other great things that I have in my life, and I only keep thinking about how miserable I'd be if I don't get this particular thing… But Allah is extremely merciful. He knows when to give me something I really need, and when to take away something from my life to give me something that is much better. He also knows when to keep me waiting, praying and pleading to get a specific thing; to test my faith and belief in his mercy and power. Then, He chooses either to give me this thing at the right time, or to give me a much better thing, as a reward for my patience and belief. He has previous knowledge about the ability of every human being; He knows that what one person can handle, can totally break the other. So from now on, when I keep wishing for something to come true, I have to have a strong belief that if it is something that is good for me, Allah will definitely make it happen at the right time! :) I'll just relax, be grateful, wish for the best, and have a smile on my face at all times insha'Allah :)

**Myself : Hmmm… This is really wonderful! I'm glad you've finally decided to change to the better, and I hope you'd be able to do that insha'Allah :) I have to go now… But we'll meet again, by the end of this year, 2010, to check how you applied all those ideas, and how your life changed accordingly!

--Me : Great! Can't wait! :) See you in December insha'Allah! :)

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