Saturday, July 18, 2009

... And that's EXACTLY how we lose our close friends...


Once upon a time, in a faaaaar away land, there was a huuuuuge tribe of ants living in a big neighborhood together... They were all really happy, no one could deny it... They used to help one another in everything that was needed to be done... They loved each other soooo much, & cared for one another in an exceptional way...

Among this huge tribe, there were two newly born ants, who lived in two ant-houses right next to each other... The two baby ants, James & John, were really inseparable... They were considered an amazing example for real best friends... They grew up together, went to school together, & always kept each others' secrets :) The day came when they even graduated from the Ants' College together as well :) :D

One day, James called John up... He had just received a phone call from a huge marketing company, he was finally accepted to work with them! So, he wanted to hang out with John & celebrate! John answered, "Well James, I would've loved to... But I'm really busy today, I'm sorry"... He sounded very gloomy and sad... So James asked him what was wrong, & wanted to come over to his house & stay with him for a while, just like they usually do when any one of them is feeling down...

To James's surprise, John replied, "No James, Can't you just leave me alone?! That's all what I'm asking of you! Why can't you understand?!"... James felt really humiliated to get such an answer from his best buddy... So he ended the conversation right away... He kept thinking what he had done to deserve such treatment from his best friend!

He finally decided to go out on his own, to have a long walk in the ants' park and to try to free his mind from what was going on inside it... He walked for hours and hours, but felt more and more frustrated whenever he remembered his last phone call with John... He decided he would talk to John again tomorrow to know what was wrong with him...

On his way back home, he found some of John's cousins walking down the street... He looked closely, & there to his surprise was his best friend John! They looked so happy from where he was standing!!!

"That's it!", James thought to himself, "that's the end of it!... I don't want to see this #%*&%¥#¤ John again! I'll call him tomorrow to tell him that this is the end of our so-called friendship.. He probably didn't want to hang out with me because he's jealous he didn't get a job like mine! He didn't even sound happy for me when I told him about it on the telephone! He does not deserve being a part of my life anyway! I knew all along that he would become one of those ungrateful friends... It's my fault anyway! How did I ever think real friendship existed in this world?!"...

Later that day, James was feeling really sad, so he decided to sleep early.. He went to bed at 10pm but couldn't get himself to fall asleep until 2am! He kept asking himself, "Whyyyy?! How could he do this to me?!" Then he remembered all the fights they had gone through together, & how he -James- was always the first one to forgive... He wouldn't even talk about the problems, he would just give John a tight ant hug, & tell him how their friendship was stronger than all of those problems... And they would forget everything and start all over again...

All of those problems popped up to James's mind now... He also remembered all of the bad things that others used to say about John... He started to believe them, & was convinced that he -James- was a real idiot, having kept up with all of this humiliation throughout his past life... He decided that John doesn't even deserve the phone call he was going to give him tomorrow... "I won't talk to him ever again", decided James.

One week later, James's mother came into his room, holding the telephone and saying, "Wake up darling, John is on the phone. He sounds very sad and says he wants to speak to you"... James turned to his mother and signaled to her that he doesn't want to talk to him, & asked her to tell him that he's asleep. Surprised as she was, his mother couldn't do anything other than that... She wouldn't be able to force her son to speak on the phone if he didn't feel like it... But that was the third time he refused to speak to John! She had to do something about it!


After hanging up with John, James's mother started asking James about what had happened between the two of them... He didn't feel like talking at the beginning... "You would never understand!", said James... " Never" :'( His mother could not help but notice the small ant tears running down his cheeks... So she insisted on knowing the reason... And James could not keep everything to himself anymore, so he told her everything...

Mother ant took a deeeeep breath and said: "Oh darling, it must be hard for you, I know... That same situation happened to me with John's mother when we were young... But because I really valued the friendship I had with her... I decided I should go and talk everything out... And it appeared to me that I was seeing things from a perspective that was totally different than reality... So why don't you try doing the same?"...

James thought about it for a while, then replied, "But mom, I've told a lot of my friends about what happened between John & I last week, & they backed me up saying that breaking up our friendship was the logical thing to do now... After all, I was the one always forgiving and letting things go... So I can never be blamed... And they themselves even decided never to talk to him again"...

"James darling", mother ant replied, "Telling your friends about the problem between you and John was not the correct thing to do from the beginning... Firstly, some of them might be envying the amazing friendship you have with him, so they'd be determined to ruin things for both of you whenever they get the chance to... Those would definitely back you up and encourage you to end this relationship... Others might be good friends, but you would only be telling them the story from YOUR perspective... You would be explaining how innocent and good you have been, & how cruel he has been with you, so most of them would back you up as well".

"However," she added, "what you were supposed to do from the beginning was to wait until he calms down, then call him up, meet him, tell him exactly how you felt, & demand an explanation from him... You shouldn't just forgive without talking your problems through, & expressing you feelings... Because what really happens is that your unconscious ant mind stores everything inside it, & never lets go unless the problems are sorted out... So, whenever a new problem pops up, that unconscious mind reminds you of everything you thought you had forgotten... And that definitely ruins everything!"...

The room was silent for a couple of minutes, then James answered: "But mom, I never talk my problems out with John because I'm afraid I'd lose his friendship... He might not appreciate my honesty, and might feel humiliated.. He would then decide to end our friendship for good! And that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me!"

"Oh dear", replied mother ant, "that's the trick we all fall for! We think if we do talk with our closest friends about what they do that bothers us, they won't appreciate it, & would finally end our relationship... But in reality, that's totally not what happens... Ants really appreciate honesty, my dear... And they value honest ants the most... I'm telling you this out of experience, because I've tried it more than once with other ant friends that I really cared for, and our problems would be solved in no time!"...

"Hmmm... Okay mom, I think I'll try it your way this time.. After all, I'm already losing my best friend anyway, so I think I have nothing more to lose even if I tried your way and it didn't work".

So, James went out of bed, put some ant clothes on, & headed directly to John's house... John's mother opened the door. She was all dressed up in black, & looked so sad. He asked her if John was there, & she told him he was upstairs in his room. On his way upstairs he saw John's father, greeted him, and he answered his greeting with a very gloomy smile... "What's wrong with this ant house?! Why have all the ants in here turned gloomy and sad?!", he thought to himself...

Finally, he reached John's room... He knocked on the door and went in... John turned to see who it was, & it seemed as if he was crying... He had tiny ant tears all over his cheeks... James couldn't understand what was happening... John ran towards him and hugged him the tightest ant hug any ant had hugged him before! After a while, he calmed down, & stopped crying...

"What's wrong John?", asked James, "I've never seen you cry that hard before!"... John replied with tears in his eyes, "My grandmother passed away!!!!!"...

James was in complete shock!... "What?! Why didn't you tell me when that happened? Aren't we best friends?"... John replied, "Well James, I tried... I called you three times at home this week, & every time you would just refuse to answer... I don't know why!! Aren't we best friends James, huh?"...

James took a deeeeep breath and answered, "Well, since you are the one who brought it all up, we'll have to talk everything out right now... I know it might not be the most appropriate timing, but if we don't talk about it now, we never will.."

"Remember when I called you last week, and asked you to hang out with me to celebrate my new job offer? And you refused and asked me to leave you alone?", said James. "Yes of course I do, James... I was not totally in the mood to go out", replied John... "Well that's a little weird, John... How could I have seen you hanging out with your cousins that same day then?! Or were you only not in the mood to go out with ME?!"...

"Okay", said John... "I'll explain everything"... That day my relatives were all gathered in our house because grandma was really really sick... They thought she would die any minute... So, when you called, I was so worried about her, & wanted to stay with her the longest time possible... That's why I said I couldn't go out with you... Then, you said you wanted to come over to see why I seemed so sad... That was when I turned a little aggressive, seeing you very happy about your new job, I didn't want to ruin that happiness for you... So I had to be firm with you, so you wouldn't even think to pass by my house at that gloomy timing"...

"Later that day," continued John, "my mother forced my relatives to take me out of the house, because she felt I wouldn't be able to take it if grandma died infront of my eyes"... I told her I wanted to stay, but she insisted I had to go out with my cousins for a while, to get some fresh air, and then come back...

When they finally took me out, my cousins tried every single way in order to let me free my mind from all the sadness I was in... They started telling jokes, & remembering all the happy memories we had together... They somewhat got me out of the gloomy mood, but I was still thinking about grandma all the time... That was probably when you saw us".

"I tried to call you the next day to apologize for the aggressive way I spoke to you, but you refused to answer... Two days later, my grandma died... I tried to call you again, but you still refused to answer... I tried calling some of our common friends as well, but they also refused to answer! I didn't understand what was happening... It was as if the whole world was turning against me, and I couldn't understand why!", said John, and he started crying again...

James calmed him down, and started to explain what had happened, and how he saw things only from his own perspective... He also explained how he told all of their friends about what had hapened. He was really ashamed of himself for thinking about his best friend in that way... He was also more ashamed for not being there for John when he really needed him...

They started discussing some of the problems that were hanging from the past, and speaking about them honestly with one another, seeing each others' perspectives & understanding how wrong it was not talking about all of this a long time ago!...

When it was finally time for James to leave, he gave John another tight ant hug, & apologized for not being a good friend in the past... John hugged him back and said, "Don't worry James, I wasn't a great friend either... But I really have to thank you for your honesty and care... You really are one of a kind!"...

And ever since then, they taught every single ant in their ant neighborhood about the value of honesty, and they applied it all through their ant lives until they died..

The end! :)

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Although this story might sound a bit childish, I think it applies to the lives of each and everyone of us... We've all gone through the same stories with some of our friends... We've lost some of them because we were afraid to talk everything out honestly, or because we thought that talking wouldn't change anything, and that those people are not worthy enough of knowing us anyway...

We usually talk to everyone -other than the person we have the problem with- about what's bothering us, about how we have suffered a lot in order to maintain this relationship, and about how we aren't going to tolerate this anymore from then on...

Mostly others don't find anything to do but support us, especially that we're saying everything from our own perspective... So they also, sooner or later, turn against the person we have the problem with as well... And we never give this person a chance to explain!...

That makes us unavailable for this person when they really need support and care... And all of this is just because we wee too lazy to sit down, PUT OURSELVES IN THEIR SHOES, and FORGIVE!

We tend to assume the person infront of us is bad... And that we are always better... We sometimes let go of things, not talking about them HONESTLY, and never notice that those things are never forgotten... On the contrary, they are the first things that pop up to our minds when we get into any kind of disagreement...

So, if we really care about someone... There are four basic rules we have to follow...

FIRST, we have to talk everything out all the time, and never leave any problems hanging without some honest discussion being held... And we shouldn't just jump into conclusions based on what we SEE, or what we HEAR from others... After all, being able to think and talk is actually what differentiates human-beings from animals! ;)

SECOND, we have to put ourselves in their shoes, and try to find at least 70 positive reasons for what they did, because mostly, people don't MEAN to harm their beloved ones...

THIRD, we shouldn't talk about our problems with everyone else around us... That would actually cause more harm than benefit, to us and to our loved ones as well...

And FOURTH, we should always forgive... Life is tooooo short to keep hanging on to old problems, and remembering them forever... We should learn to appreciate our dear and beloved ones while they're still there, before it's too late for us to do so...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

"Kesset 7ayaat Namla tele3laha senaan" :D -- (The story of the ant who now has teeth :D)


Hmmmm... I don't really know where to start from.. I just felt that I'm discovering a lot about myself, and undergoing a lot of changes in my life that I wanted to write down to clear my head a bit...

Okay, just to start with, mostly everything that I'm writing here is inspired by the events that took place in my life during the past year... I know I've just graduated only 6 months ago, but I've undergone a loooooot of experiences that have changed my life & my way of thinking...

This might seem a little bit chaotic, because I'm writing everything down exactly the way it pops up to my mind... I just need to warn everyone that it is toooo long as you all see, & it really has lots of ideas... So if you are not interested in reading reflective diaries, don't even think of starting to read it, because it would be a bit boring for you... I think this apparent for people who have suffered reading my past notes :D However, if this is still your first time, don't say I didn't warn you, cuz I just did! :D

Here we go...

During my very last semester at University, I started to feel that I was about to enter a new phase in my life... I did not want to leave AUC, but at the same time, I was curious and excited about becoming a responsible person, & depending on myself w keda...

During the last semester itself I went through A LOOOOT of tough decision making processes (that I never thought I'd be ever doing!), that somehow gave me a rough idea about what I was going to be facing, & the decisions I'll have to be taking throughout my coming years...

I started to discover a lot of things about myself, that I never knew even existed... I also experienced the CLEAR existence, GUIDANCE and MERCY of Allah in every step I wanted to take... I started to trust my decisions a little bit more, & was sure that Allah is always backing me up & helping me indirectly to take the right decisions, even if they seemed REALLY HARD to take at that time... It would always appear to be for my bessssst at the end :)

I was the kind of person who would endure any kind of suffering and pain as long as I knew that others around me were feeling good... So I used to give up A LOT of my rights, sometimes feel humiliated but not talk about it, and feel satisfied as long as others around me are happy...

Then I was faced with a HUGE life-changing decision that I had to take... I had the option of making people around me happy and satisfied & would convince myself that I'm happy as long as they are all happy, but deep inside me I would not be feeling okay... That was the first time I decided to rebel against my old self, & get out of my comfort zone... That was the first time I actually hurt someone... However, I was suuuuure that Allah was backing me up, & would NEVER make me take a decision that would lead to my misery, or anyone else's... I can't say it was easy AT ALL, but it was a HUGE positive shift in my personality & way of thinking! And I do not regret having taken that decision, because I believe it is for my best, & for the best of everyone else around, although almost everyone thought I was taking the wrong decision then... El7amdulillah..

Before long, I met new challenges... I graduated and started my career life... I met people I would never ever forget! People who are really rare to find these days... At the beginning, I was really disappointed for having to change my team, and become part of a new team whose members were all already friends... I never knew what was coming up ahead! I literally became part of the BEST team ever! People who helped change me to the better... People who made a profound mark in my life, and made a huge difference...

Throughout that experience, I learnt a lot...

I learnt that my first impressions about people and places are almost ALWAYS incorrect... They're even sometimes the exact opposite of reality! I mean for example, I did not like anyone in my team, but 6 months later I felt my life would be totally empty without them!!

I learnt that SOME people HAVE TO be treated in a serious way, and I was taught by my colleagues HOW to be aggressive -in details- when I want to, & with whomever I want! (not theoretically, but in an applied way!! :D)

I learnt that it is sooooo hard for guys to express their feelings & thoughts in words, either positively or negatively... But when they do it, it really is remarkable! :) However, they mostly try to express those feelings & thoughts in actions, & believe that it leaves a more profound mark when they do it that way... Girls on the other hand express feelings much easier in words & do that in real life events as well... (I'm glad I'm a girl! :D)

I discovered that I tend to express all my feelings ALL the time.. I mean it! I can not neglect anything that happens to me, & I'm definitely NOT the kind of person who can take something in from one ear and let it out of the other... Noooo waaaay! I do A LOT of thinking and analysis of almost everything happening around me... And I express my feelings instantly... If I appreciate someone I tell them right away, if I'm angry at someone I tell them right away as well... And if I feel humiliated or if I feel there's nothing I can do to solve a problem that I have, I tend to cry sooooo easily, disregarding where I am & who I am with... I just let everything out... It kind of makes me feel better in a way, instead of suppressing everything and doubling my anger... (needless to say of course that I enjoy writing all my thoughts and feelings down instead of just talking about them... I even find it much easier to do so! :D)

I also noticed that my social life is really important to me! Without having my friends and family in my life, I feel totally down, and I don't have the energy to do anything at all..

I discovered that although at the beginning I was REALLY happy about working in a shift-basis job as it would be less routinic, I am totally not the kind of person who fits in with such a lifestyle! I remember during my last semester at AUC, I used to start classes at about 3pm almost every day... My dad was waiting for me to graduate, and used to tease me saying that I would have to get up early each morning to get to work... When I found my shift basis job, I used to tease him back saying that I won't have to do that :D However, it finally appeared to me that he was right! I would better fit in a normal job with normal fixed working hours :)

I also learnt that when you're having problems with someone, you have to FACE THEM & talk everything out... Because otherwise you would unconsciously turn aggressive, & they would never know why you changed! They would definitely treat you badly in return! So, your bad idea about them would be confirmed! ("Self Fulfilling Prophecy", according to psychology) And you'd continue going round and round in that viscous circle...

However, there are some people who might SEEM as if they don't really care about any criticism addressed to them... However, deep down inside, they keep thinking about what they've been told... They might choose not to make the effort and change themselves, however in their back-memory, they know you're right!

During that time, I had to take the decision of being firm enough, & standing up for my beliefs.. Although I was hated by some of the people around me for doing that (and that was the 2nd time this happens to me in my whole life! :S), and although it was something really hard for me to do, I felt obliged to do it anyway... Hoping deep deep down inside me that the person I stood up against would sooner or later understand the reason I did that, & would try to see the positive & good intentions I had then...

I also learnt that ENCOURAGEMENT and SUPPORT are essential ingredients in every human being's life... Maybe with different rates, but they ARE essential! Not only at work, but also between parents & their children, and between friends... It REALLY leads to miracles, just to show the person infront of you that he/she is up to it, to trust him/her, & to support him/her all through the way... Some people might always seem to be strong and one would think that they don't need any kind of support, but believe it or not, those are the people who are in need of support and encouragement THE MOST! And they REALLY appreciate it when you understand that & provide them with it! :)
I myself need encouragement and support every now and then... However, it could be as small as a "great job" word, or a pat on the shoulder... Or even just a good comment about a trait I have... That would totally make my day! :)

I discovered that the best person one could ever be is himself/herself... Every person has soooo much good & kindness inside, but some refuse to show it out to people, so that they won't be thought weak... However, this weak part is really the BEST human aspect! When it is shown, it shows a totally different side of a person, and makes others appreciate him/her more... And believe it or not, people can clearly notice it when you are trying to be someone whom you aren't... And it doesn't look nice anyway... So why endure the hardships of it anyway?!..

Moreover, I discovered that -to some extend- I've developed the skill of being capable of knowing the actual realities of people... El7amdulillah I am now more capable of judging people around me, and assessing their degree of friendship... Even if I don't always talk about my assessments in public, I just keep it to myself, & I value people differently according to those assessments... That doesn't mean that I don't get deceived by people, I still do :S But I guess it's a little bit less than before El7amdulillah :)

I learnt, as well, that when you hear something bad being said about someone you know, something that seems unreasonable, or not applicable to their personality, you HAVE TO go face them with what you hear... Because most of the time what is being said is built on incorrect impressions... You have to -at least- give this person the chance to stand up for himself/herself, & you have the option of either believing them or not after that... After all, your opening-up might lead to stopping a whole bunch of rumors, that might affect this person negatively in the future... I now soooo believe in the quote that says: "Believe HALF of what you SEE, and NOTHING of what you HEAR"...

I also learnt that a REAL friend is someone who always respects your circumstances, and whatever you do, he/she would be always willing to forgive... Someone who is willing to talk about any problems that occur between the two of you, and reach concrete solutions... Someone who won't judge you harshly & decide to end their friendship with you, just because you were honest enough to tell them about their negative traits... Someone who ACTUALLY knows how to differentiate between the time to tell you about your flaws, & the time to shut up, & just be supportive... Someone who is still determined to keep in touch, & endure all the humiliation he/she has to undergo, in order to get you back in their life, although you've totally shut them out of it... That's what I call a real friend!

I also learnt that "Actions speak louder than words".. If you really want to make a difference in someone's life, YOU have to be the one doing the action you want to change him/her to... And you HAVE to be persistent in doing it, because you never know who else you're affecting... I also understood that sometimes you want to change a specific person to become better, and work hard on it... Then, you find a totally different person affected positively by what you did & changing to the better :) So, your hard work NEVER actually goes away... Allah just wants to tell you that your work will end in a good result but in the way that HE sees best ;)

Last but not least, I was assured to believe that Allah always knows what's best, & the best timing to bring it in our lives... We should only do our best, and wait for Allah's blessings and support... Although a lot of not-so-good events might occur on our way, we should always believe that Allah is doing that for our besssssst... Even if it appears to be a frustrating event, & even if you feel that you are being suppressed (mottahad)... And that people responsible for you are not giving you enough credit for what you do... Just believe that this is an exam (ebtelaa2) from Allah.. HE wants to make sure that you do believe in His mercy and in the fact that He always does what's best for you... And when He sees that in your heart, he gives you even moooooore than what you had been waiting for! :) I think a lot of us can relate to that! ;)

So, to sum everything up... I believe that a person should always be caring about others around him/her... We should try -more often- to put ourselves into others' shoes and give them even more than 70 excuses for whatever they do (just like we've been told by our beloved prophet Muhammad-PBUH-)... We should also understand that small things do really make a difference, and can definitely change people's lives to the better... Even a simple smile can have a remarkable effect! :)

I think that's everything I have for the time being... I thank everyone who has read all through this looooooong reflective note! I can't thank you enough begad! :) And I would loooooove to hear your comments about it please :)

Thanks again, & waiting for comments :)