What do I do when I don't know what to do?!!!

What do I do when I feel lost? When I feel I don’t know what I want anymore… When I’m trying soooo hard to stand up on my feet, and show others how strong I am because I hate seeing the "sympathy" looks they have in their eyes for me, and because I know that a lot of them acquire their strength from me… although deep down inside me, I am the one who needs someone to acquire my strength from?...

What do I do when I wake up one morning feeling all the happiness, excitement and optimism in the world, and act accordingly, deeply believing that I can forget all my pains and disappointments, help make a difference in someone’s life, and decide to make all my dreams come true… And the very next day, I wake up and stay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, and trying to convince myself that there is no reason worth getting out of bed that day?!...

What do I do when I can’t stop my brain from thinking about the worst moments in my life… When I just can’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks, but I’m still trying to maintain the wide fake grin I have on my face, trying to trick myself into believing that I’m okay, trying to convince myself that everything will be alright?...

What do I do when my mood keeps changing every second from extreme to extreme?... When one moment, I'm laughing as hard as I can, and the very next moment, I just can't stop myself from crying?... When I feel I've totally lost my mind?...

What do I do when I feel I’ve been through A LOT in a very short time, but that I’m still tooooo young inside… When I realize that I have hundreds of memories in every single place I go to… Memories that keep on reminding me of people and moments that once were all what I could wish for... Memories that now have no existence anywhere else other that my imagination… When I get soooo caught up in such memories, that I sometimes secretly wish to get into an accident, get diagnosed with “memory-loss”, and start over with a completely new life?...

What do I do when almost everyone around me just doesn’t seem to understand how my brain operates… When they’re always criticizing how I see everything in an optimistic light… When they’re always pulling me down, showing me how I can’t live like that, trying to stop me from dreaming big because they’re worried I’d be disappointed when I don’t achieve what I dream of… And when I eventually find myself giving in to their pessimistic words and ideas?...

What do I do when I’m always thinking, thinking, thinking… About this and that… About everything that happened, everything that could’ve happened, and everything that might still happen, and I find myself automatically thinking of scenarios that would make everything good in my life fall apart, and get destroyed, although I was a person who always thought about nothing but hopeful and optimistic scenarios?...

What do I do when I’ve been living all my life, strongly believing in my dreams and standing up firmly in the face of any obstacle that might come through my way, but then I get to be put in soooo many tough situations that leave me with a semi-cracked life… with a mind and heart that refuse to dream anymore, fearing that they would eventually get disappointed –as always?!…

What do I do when others around me mistakenly believe that I'm someone whom I’m not anymore… When they think I’m still the pure, strong, pious person I used to be a few years ago, the person they’ve always thought of as their role model, although deep down inside me, I know I’m not like that anymore?!...

What do I do when I try my best to plan for my future, and fix everything up when it’s all broken, and when I finallyyyyy get one of the things that I’ve been always wishing for, and I’m ready to make any compromises just to keep things as “too-good-to-be-true” as they are, everything gets taken away from me again?...

What do I do when I feel so many pure people are leaving this world… REALLY good people, who could make a big change in the world one day… When I feel that my life can suddenly end with an accident, just like them, and I would leave this world having done nothing of much importance… When I feel that eventually no one will even remember to pray for me when I die?...

What do I do?... Huh??… What do I dooooo??!!!…

At that point in life, I think I only have to turn towards one direction… One direction Only… I turn straight to Allah… And start talking to Him…

I try to regain my strength, or at least what is left of it… Even if what’s left is just a tiny grain… I should take it, plant it in a place that receives a lot of sunlight every single day, and water it with positive and loving thoughts… And allow myself to be amazed at seeing the garden of “strength” that I would eventually end up with, much sooner than I might even think…

I decide not to regain my strength and optimism solely for my friends’ sake, since some of them believe that I’m their source of strength… Nope… Why not?... Because the kind of strength that I gain for that sake is not REAL, it’s only “Make believe”, and it soon fades away… I must decide to regain it for ME, for MY own sake… And only then would I be able to inspire others, with the REAL strength that I have within…

I convince myself that the pitiful looks I sometimes see in people's eyes are there only because those people do care about me… because they hate to see me getting hurt… and because they do not know of any other way in which they could help me out… So I should try to accept their way of doing it and be grateful enough, even though such looks only remind me of my weakness…

I decide to start writing down my dreams… Writing them down in real ink… Setting my goals, and setting some deadlines for them as well… Taking one step at a time… After all, no one can ever see what is on the2nd floor, without going all the way up passing by the first floor’s steps first, and hoping that better things await them on the next floor, IF they work hard to move themselves up those steps in the first place…

I convince myself that whatever happened, happened for a reason… And that memories are the best part of anyone’s life… If I wanna be diagnosed with “memory-loss”, this means that I’m willing to give up my good memories too -they all come in one package!-, which I’m totally not willing to do! And if I think hard enough, some of the bad memories had some good moments within them as well, so why would I want to let go of those happy moments all together?...

I realize that people who came into my life were one of three types… Either people who were just passing by, to give me an important lesson, like those random people I meet in the street, at the bank, at a restaurant or even in a cab… God meant for those people to come into my life for a very very short time, then leave right away, but the lessons I might learn from them could be life-changing!

Then, there are those who come into my life, and stay for a longer while… I usually see them more than once in my lifetime, and might probably know some of their names too… People in this group include school/university colleagues, co-workers, wrong partners, and fake friends… I learn very valuable lessons from those people as well... Lessons of a different nature, I can say..

The third and final group of people who came into my life were meant to stay there for a much longer time –compared to the other 2 groups. The reason for their existence in my life was for me to find someone to share my happy moments with, as well as my sorrows and pains… Someone to love me and cherish my existence in life, unconditionally, and accept me for who I am… Members of this group include REAL friends, true partners, family members or even certain role models that I have/had…

So, no matter how long a person has stayed in my life, they came into it for a reason from the beginning, and when that reason was fulfilled, they had to leave… This is the nature of life…

I start seeing how thankful I should be for the experiences that Allah has put me through, however tough they were, because through them, I learnt a lot about life, and got the strength to be the person I am today…

I also become more thankful to Allah for giving me such an analytical brain that helps me think about everything happening around me, and extract more lessons that some people might never even think about!... Being different and having unusual points of view about some issues, doesn't always mean I'm bad; it just means I'm different!… And being different still makes me proud! :)

I convince myself that when Allah takes away something very dear and near to my heart, it's just because HE wants me to learn not to love anything or anyone more than HIM… HE is the only constant truth in this world, while everything and everyone else changes, leaves or just fades away…

I also realize that sometimes I wish for things that are totally not suitable for me, or things that might lead to disasters in my life… I keep on praying and wishing for them to come true, and sometimes I just don't understand why it's taking too much time for them to happen… Then, one of two scenarios takes place… The first scenario would be me getting what I had been wishing for all along, then realizing how foolish I was to have asked for it in the first place, and seeing how Allah was merciful enough not to bring it into my life until I was actually capable of dealing with it…

The other scenario is that I would still not get what I wanted, but I would start seeing the other side of the coin, the side I never thought even existed… I would then understand why I was deprived of getting that thing, because Allah was so merciful, HE knew I wouldn’t survive the experience! After all, HE knows what one person can endure, and what would totally break another… لايكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها … That's when I thank Allah deeply from my heart for being merciful enough with me and depriving me of experiencing such things!

I look back at my life, and realize how everything that had happened to me -and I thought was the worst thing ever- was actually one of the main cornerstones leading to the happiest events of my life! I sometimes look at how things lead to other things, and how everything was planned for -in details- in a way that no one would have ever imagined, and I sigh!!! The sequence of the events is just unbelievable, and it keeps me wondering about what I'm still waiting to encounter in this life!.. It a uniquely Divine plan that can never be put, even by the best genius of our age!

And this alone keeps me relaxed, feeling that although I am here in this life to take my own decisions and shape my own life, I still have this merciful God who's always looking after me, correcting my mistakes and guiding me to the right decisions… A God, who can also change my fate if I keep on praying for something -that HE sees is good for me-, and believing strongly in it… A God who is always there for me, who has even granted me the gift of the "Istikhara", so that I would ask HIM to chose the best way for me, and make me take the right decisions, being sure that whatever happens afterwards would be the right decision, whatever the consequences were…

I decide not to hear negative comments from anyone unless they are objective, beneficial, and can be built upon… But if they're only comments being said to me, restricting my dreams and adding to my disappointments, then I decide to totally ignore them… Every once in a while I analyze the people existing in my life, and during that time, I cut off those who are consciously or unconsciously spreading negative energy and disappointing thoughts into my life… I cut them out of my life for good!...

I admit that I really miss the special people who came into my life, and then passed away… I pray for them, and I remember them often… (Please take the time to make a small prayer for Engy Nassar, if you're reading this...) But that is not enough… I have to cherish those whom I still I have in my life, and I must show them how much I care about them every now and then, because tomorrow just might be too late... I also have to start planning for my second REAL life when I join them after death… And since I have no idea when that would be or even where, I should put that plan right away and start applying it, because who knows, maybe today IS the last day for me on Earth… and if it really is, then I want it to be a fruitful day, not just another normal day that passes by without me adding anything to myself or to others around me…

If I really want to be remembered in a good way after I leave this life –let alone, be remembered at all- I should work on affecting people's lives around me… It's not about how BIG my effect is, as much as it is about sincerity and true care… People remember those who FEEL their pain and sorrow, HELP them with their problems, SUPPORT them when they need encouragement, and LOVE them when they feel excluded… It's not about "how many" people I've affected, it's about how profound my effect was, and how much it was needed… It's about having the pure intention of treating others around me in the best manner possible, because actually, I'm not treating "them", I'm treating "Allah" through treating them…

If Allah sees those pure intentions within me, only HE will be able to guide me to the ways in which I would affect more lives and help in changing things to the better… Yes, it works that way! I should first decide what I want to do, with the purest intentions possible, and agree to work hard to get where I want... Allah sees that in me, puts me into some tests to examine the sincerity and purity of my intentions, then HE puts me where I truly belong… Yes, it's that easy!... And it all depends on ME... MY decisions and MY intentions...

I keep reminding myself that I'm stronger than I think I am... I remember how I was part of the winning "Girls" team in the Help Club's ComBEAT competition ELHAMDULILLAH! I remind myself that I was responsible for the Student Union's "Maedat Al Rahman" project that got a record in 2005... I remember that I made it all the way up to VIA's Upper Board! I remind myself that I've managed to graduate from 2 universities at the same time ELHAMDULILLAH! And last but not least, I remember that I have once walked on REAL BURNING COAL! And that's when I usually catch myself smiling... A real genuine smile, coming right from my heart!

I can clearly see how I once thought that all of the previous achievements were amongst the most IMPOSSIBLE things to happen, and how I finally managed to be part of all of them, by only believing in myself, working hard with my friends and team members, and most importantly, by believing in Allah's blessings and HIS continuous support for me, because HE saw those pure intentions within me... (I also have to thank all those who helped me achieve all of the previous accomplishments, you know yourselves, and you all know I would have never been able to do it without your help and support! :D So thankssssss!) I decided to seriously work on purifying my intentions, because it becomes perfectly clear to me how I miss the way I felt in each and every situation of those!... Feelings that can NEVER be explained in words!...

I decide to constantly look at those who are less fortunate than I am, and thank Allah for giving me all those uncountable blessings… I look at those who are suffering in their lives, and compare my tiny problems to theirs, to feel how silly I am… That is the case for what relates to this finite world; this "dunia"… But when it comes to what relates to the afterlife; the "aakhera", I have to look at those who have achieved a lot… I have to take them as my role models, so that I would be encouraged to do more and more… so that "satan" would not make me fall in the trap of being happy with what people think about me, and what people falsely believe me to be…

And last but most importantly, I have to get back to the Quraan and "Thikr"… This is what always balances my mood and moderates it… I read/listen to the words of Allah, and try to understand the messages that HE's sending me through this Holy book every single minute of every single day… I talk to HIM, and I cry my heart out… I pray for anything I want, and stay optimistically convinced that it will all come true one day :) After all, HE is the one who said:

"واصبر لحكم ربك فانك بأعيننا" و "ادعوني أستجب لكم" و "ولسوف يعطيك ربك فترضي"

HE is also the one who said: " أنا عند ظن عبدي بي"… So if I believe HE can do something, HE will do it for me, and if I don't believe HE can, HE wouldn't! :) And I already know HE can do anything and everything, so why limit myself to what my mind only thinks is possible?!! ;) Why not dream of the impossible, belieeeeeve that Allah can really really make it come true, sit back and watch amazinggggg events happen every single day?! ... :)

Try it! ... Definitely worth it! :)