"Kesset 7ayaat Namla tele3laha senaan" :D -- (The story of the ant who now has teeth :D)

Hmmmm... I don't really know where to start from.. I just felt that I'm discovering a lot about myself, and undergoing a lot of changes in my life that I wanted to write down to clear my head a bit...

Okay, just to start with, mostly everything that I'm writing here is inspired by the events that took place in my life during the past year... I know I've just graduated only 6 months ago, but I've undergone a loooooot of experiences that have changed my life & my way of thinking...

This might seem a little bit chaotic, because I'm writing everything down exactly the way it pops up to my mind... I just need to warn everyone that it is toooo long as you all see, & it really has lots of ideas... So if you are not interested in reading reflective diaries, don't even think of starting to read it, because it would be a bit boring for you... I think this apparent for people who have suffered reading my past notes :D However, if this is still your first time, don't say I didn't warn you, cuz I just did! :D

Here we go...

During my very last semester at University, I started to feel that I was about to enter a new phase in my life... I did not want to leave AUC, but at the same time, I was curious and excited about becoming a responsible person, & depending on myself w keda...

During the last semester itself I went through A LOOOOT of tough decision making processes (that I never thought I'd be ever doing!), that somehow gave me a rough idea about what I was going to be facing, & the decisions I'll have to be taking throughout my coming years...

I started to discover a lot of things about myself, that I never knew even existed... I also experienced the CLEAR existence, GUIDANCE and MERCY of Allah in every step I wanted to take... I started to trust my decisions a little bit more, & was sure that Allah is always backing me up & helping me indirectly to take the right decisions, even if they seemed REALLY HARD to take at that time... It would always appear to be for my bessssst at the end :)

I was the kind of person who would endure any kind of suffering and pain as long as I knew that others around me were feeling good... So I used to give up A LOT of my rights, sometimes feel humiliated but not talk about it, and feel satisfied as long as others around me are happy...

Then I was faced with a HUGE life-changing decision that I had to take... I had the option of making people around me happy and satisfied & would convince myself that I'm happy as long as they are all happy, but deep inside me I would not be feeling okay... That was the first time I decided to rebel against my old self, & get out of my comfort zone... That was the first time I actually hurt someone... However, I was suuuuure that Allah was backing me up, & would NEVER make me take a decision that would lead to my misery, or anyone else's... I can't say it was easy AT ALL, but it was a HUGE positive shift in my personality & way of thinking! And I do not regret having taken that decision, because I believe it is for my best, & for the best of everyone else around, although almost everyone thought I was taking the wrong decision then... El7amdulillah..

Before long, I met new challenges... I graduated and started my career life... I met people I would never ever forget! People who are really rare to find these days... At the beginning, I was really disappointed for having to change my team, and become part of a new team whose members were all already friends... I never knew what was coming up ahead! I literally became part of the BEST team ever! People who helped change me to the better... People who made a profound mark in my life, and made a huge difference...

Throughout that experience, I learnt a lot...

I learnt that my first impressions about people and places are almost ALWAYS incorrect... They're even sometimes the exact opposite of reality! I mean for example, I did not like anyone in my team, but 6 months later I felt my life would be totally empty without them!!

I learnt that SOME people HAVE TO be treated in a serious way, and I was taught by my colleagues HOW to be aggressive -in details- when I want to, & with whomever I want! (not theoretically, but in an applied way!! :D)

I learnt that it is sooooo hard for guys to express their feelings & thoughts in words, either positively or negatively... But when they do it, it really is remarkable! :) However, they mostly try to express those feelings & thoughts in actions, & believe that it leaves a more profound mark when they do it that way... Girls on the other hand express feelings much easier in words & do that in real life events as well... (I'm glad I'm a girl! :D)

I discovered that I tend to express all my feelings ALL the time.. I mean it! I can not neglect anything that happens to me, & I'm definitely NOT the kind of person who can take something in from one ear and let it out of the other... Noooo waaaay! I do A LOT of thinking and analysis of almost everything happening around me... And I express my feelings instantly... If I appreciate someone I tell them right away, if I'm angry at someone I tell them right away as well... And if I feel humiliated or if I feel there's nothing I can do to solve a problem that I have, I tend to cry sooooo easily, disregarding where I am & who I am with... I just let everything out... It kind of makes me feel better in a way, instead of suppressing everything and doubling my anger... (needless to say of course that I enjoy writing all my thoughts and feelings down instead of just talking about them... I even find it much easier to do so! :D)

I also noticed that my social life is really important to me! Without having my friends and family in my life, I feel totally down, and I don't have the energy to do anything at all..

I discovered that although at the beginning I was REALLY happy about working in a shift-basis job as it would be less routinic, I am totally not the kind of person who fits in with such a lifestyle! I remember during my last semester at AUC, I used to start classes at about 3pm almost every day... My dad was waiting for me to graduate, and used to tease me saying that I would have to get up early each morning to get to work... When I found my shift basis job, I used to tease him back saying that I won't have to do that :D However, it finally appeared to me that he was right! I would better fit in a normal job with normal fixed working hours :)

I also learnt that when you're having problems with someone, you have to FACE THEM & talk everything out... Because otherwise you would unconsciously turn aggressive, & they would never know why you changed! They would definitely treat you badly in return! So, your bad idea about them would be confirmed! ("Self Fulfilling Prophecy", according to psychology) And you'd continue going round and round in that viscous circle...

However, there are some people who might SEEM as if they don't really care about any criticism addressed to them... However, deep down inside, they keep thinking about what they've been told... They might choose not to make the effort and change themselves, however in their back-memory, they know you're right!

During that time, I had to take the decision of being firm enough, & standing up for my beliefs.. Although I was hated by some of the people around me for doing that (and that was the 2nd time this happens to me in my whole life! :S), and although it was something really hard for me to do, I felt obliged to do it anyway... Hoping deep deep down inside me that the person I stood up against would sooner or later understand the reason I did that, & would try to see the positive & good intentions I had then...

I also learnt that ENCOURAGEMENT and SUPPORT are essential ingredients in every human being's life... Maybe with different rates, but they ARE essential! Not only at work, but also between parents & their children, and between friends... It REALLY leads to miracles, just to show the person infront of you that he/she is up to it, to trust him/her, & to support him/her all through the way... Some people might always seem to be strong and one would think that they don't need any kind of support, but believe it or not, those are the people who are in need of support and encouragement THE MOST! And they REALLY appreciate it when you understand that & provide them with it! :)
I myself need encouragement and support every now and then... However, it could be as small as a "great job" word, or a pat on the shoulder... Or even just a good comment about a trait I have... That would totally make my day! :)

I discovered that the best person one could ever be is himself/herself... Every person has soooo much good & kindness inside, but some refuse to show it out to people, so that they won't be thought weak... However, this weak part is really the BEST human aspect! When it is shown, it shows a totally different side of a person, and makes others appreciate him/her more... And believe it or not, people can clearly notice it when you are trying to be someone whom you aren't... And it doesn't look nice anyway... So why endure the hardships of it anyway?!..

Moreover, I discovered that -to some extend- I've developed the skill of being capable of knowing the actual realities of people... El7amdulillah I am now more capable of judging people around me, and assessing their degree of friendship... Even if I don't always talk about my assessments in public, I just keep it to myself, & I value people differently according to those assessments... That doesn't mean that I don't get deceived by people, I still do :S But I guess it's a little bit less than before El7amdulillah :)

I learnt, as well, that when you hear something bad being said about someone you know, something that seems unreasonable, or not applicable to their personality, you HAVE TO go face them with what you hear... Because most of the time what is being said is built on incorrect impressions... You have to -at least- give this person the chance to stand up for himself/herself, & you have the option of either believing them or not after that... After all, your opening-up might lead to stopping a whole bunch of rumors, that might affect this person negatively in the future... I now soooo believe in the quote that says: "Believe HALF of what you SEE, and NOTHING of what you HEAR"...

I also learnt that a REAL friend is someone who always respects your circumstances, and whatever you do, he/she would be always willing to forgive... Someone who is willing to talk about any problems that occur between the two of you, and reach concrete solutions... Someone who won't judge you harshly & decide to end their friendship with you, just because you were honest enough to tell them about their negative traits... Someone who ACTUALLY knows how to differentiate between the time to tell you about your flaws, & the time to shut up, & just be supportive... Someone who is still determined to keep in touch, & endure all the humiliation he/she has to undergo, in order to get you back in their life, although you've totally shut them out of it... That's what I call a real friend!

I also learnt that "Actions speak louder than words".. If you really want to make a difference in someone's life, YOU have to be the one doing the action you want to change him/her to... And you HAVE to be persistent in doing it, because you never know who else you're affecting... I also understood that sometimes you want to change a specific person to become better, and work hard on it... Then, you find a totally different person affected positively by what you did & changing to the better :) So, your hard work NEVER actually goes away... Allah just wants to tell you that your work will end in a good result but in the way that HE sees best ;)

Last but not least, I was assured to believe that Allah always knows what's best, & the best timing to bring it in our lives... We should only do our best, and wait for Allah's blessings and support... Although a lot of not-so-good events might occur on our way, we should always believe that Allah is doing that for our besssssst... Even if it appears to be a frustrating event, & even if you feel that you are being suppressed (mottahad)... And that people responsible for you are not giving you enough credit for what you do... Just believe that this is an exam (ebtelaa2) from Allah.. HE wants to make sure that you do believe in His mercy and in the fact that He always does what's best for you... And when He sees that in your heart, he gives you even moooooore than what you had been waiting for! :) I think a lot of us can relate to that! ;)

So, to sum everything up... I believe that a person should always be caring about others around him/her... We should try -more often- to put ourselves into others' shoes and give them even more than 70 excuses for whatever they do (just like we've been told by our beloved prophet Muhammad-PBUH-)... We should also understand that small things do really make a difference, and can definitely change people's lives to the better... Even a simple smile can have a remarkable effect! :)

I think that's everything I have for the time being... I thank everyone who has read all through this looooooong reflective note! I can't thank you enough begad! :) And I would loooooove to hear your comments about it please :)

Thanks again, & waiting for comments :)